Notes on Making Resolutions
Happy New Year!
Happy New Year readers!
I’ve been taking some time off this week, and in the absence of any writing ideas, figured I would take the opportunity to reflect on the new year, and on the process of making resolutions.
Personally, I know that 2024 is going to be a big year.
As things stand right now, 2024 is going to see me finally leave academia and settle into a new career path. Such a major life shift, combined with the many small shifts, both planned and unplanned, that will inevitably also occur, means that I wanted some specifics to work towards this year. I’ve felt so directionless lately now that I’m not working towards a degree. Making resolutions feels like a solid way to give at least a general sense of what I’m moving towards.
I had some goals (some general, some specific) in mind, but also as I was reflecting, certain words, images, and colors kept reappearing in my mind. I knew a big word for me would be “fearless,” I knew I wanted softness and toughness. I knew it had to be pink. I had all these ideas, but nothing consistent enough to make into a neat structure. I couldn’t make a straightforward list, so I decided to tap into my artsy side and make a collage.
I loved the idea of using mostly found materials that I already had lying around. Sure, I had to run to CVS for the poster board, a pink marker, and some glue, but otherwise everything else was already in my apartment. I used a copy of BUTT Magazine my friend Logan gave me for my birthday. I used a stack of health insurance bills that had been sitting in my junk drawer. I used the volleyball award I won a few weeks ago. I used my daily Jeopardy! calendar that had been on my nightstand (another birthday gift!), on its’ last few days of 2023.
There’s a lot of meaning here for me. The top left corner represents my intentions to get more comfortable in my body, to explore pleasure and queer intimacy more, to use my strength for good (“revolution”) and, in an ironic use of the word “professor,” share my desires out loud with the world.
I may not be a capital-P Professor, but I certainly can still profess my love fiercely.
The top right was the perfect space to write out the vague, poetic goals that I have - ones that may not have any particular course of action or timeline attached, but messages I want to seep in as I navigate this new year.
I realize that “fearless” makes me sound like a Swiftie, but it was the only word to describe my goal for the year. I have to be brave if I’m going to shift careers and try to stay in New York around all my chosen family. I have to keep moving forwards, and not let the fear shut me down as much as it has recently.
“Fearless” is not about how I feel, it’s about how I’ll act. “Fearless” is not a denial of fear entirely - it will be there, and it will be forceful. And I will give it air and space to be ferocious. I’m definitely going to be afraid. But, I have to jump off the metaphorical cliff. And to do that, the fear has to come and go - wash over me and then release into the atmosphere.
Love, fantasy, softness, strength, fearlessness - I wanted it all to come through in this one image. But as I was getting to the end of creating it, I had this negative space at the bottom I didn’t know what to do with.
How fitting! All the planning, the cutting, the glueing, and still a gap that I couldn’t plan for. I decided to write “[holding space]” there to acknowledge that I can make as many resolutions as I want, but there is always going to be an element of the unexpected. And that’s okay. It’s a part of life. As much as I want these resolutions to provide me with a sense of direction, there has to also be a point where I relinquish control. To just live in the uncertainty of the now.
This is the thing with resolutions, with goal-setting, with any life planning. It has to come with the caveat that life is going to throw a lot of curveballs at you. And you’re going to have to respond in the moment. Resolutions, goals, collages - they all can provide a sense of stability, a general idea of the values and principles to abide by, but at the end of the day, they all have limitations. Expectations hardly align with reality, for better and for worse and for even better.
So, I enter 2024 with the goal of just living. To reduce the levels of fear and anxiety that have dominated me recently. To try and attach less meaning to daily occurrences. To have a “water off the duck’s back” mentality a la Jinkx Monsoon and just exist in my full authentic selfhood.
This year is going to be challenging, but I’m up to the task as long as I stay vulnerable, stay open, stay connected to my people, stay giving, and remember to breathe. I got this. And you do too, reader. Let’s try and remind each other of that from time to time. 2024 and the opportunities it will provide will be exciting, overwhelming, exhausting, maybe even painful, but we are capable if we approach it in community, bravely and together. May it be a kind year to us all.